Myspace launched in 2003 which was the same year I graduated high school — I think I was lucky in that I survived my early school years without the pressures of social media. But once I discovered it, I was an avid user. I, like many of my millennial counterparts, learned basic HTML specifically so I could deck my Myspace page out and make it stand out among the rest. It had a built-in blog feature that I used it regularly, and that was my first foray into blogging and into writing and journaling publicly.
I’ve always had a lot to say, but back then I was uncensored, unfiltered, unfazed by my limited life experience and relatively unbothered by the judgment of others. But by the time I was in my early 20’s, I’d encountered my fair share of consecutive, significantly life-altering experiences. I lost two close friends to car accidents, my parents went through a nasty divorce, I was cheated on twice by my first boyfriend of four years with not one, but two of my “best friends,” I lost one my best friends to cancer, my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
Things then spiraled downward quickly. I was lost. I drank a lot and was introduced to other vices. I felt alienated by my family as result. I was sexually assaulted by a friend of a friend. I experienced a period of homelessness where I was living out of my car and on friends’ couches. And at some point in that perfect storm, I lost my voice.
Not saying I stopped saying what was on my mind — but the things I’d say would come from that place of being lost. I became angry and resentful — towards people around me, but also towards myself. I grew fearful of judgment because I often felt judged for my circumstances. I discovered quickly that I had A LOT to learn, and thus the self-censoring and self-judgment began. It’s like that saying goes, the “The more you think you know, the less you actually do.”
Fast forward to today, life is thankfully very, very different.
